Grandpa...

It is the Eve of Christmas Eve and I am sad. I am sad because my grandparents and aunt were supposed to come tomorrow and stay through Christmas Day. But tonight my aunt called and grandpa is having "episodes" so they are not sure they are coming at all. Grandpa is 86 years old and going very slowly senile. So slowly that I didn't see it coming at all. Dad keeps saying he is getting worse, confused and disoriented, and when I saw them last summer, Grandpa didn't have a clue who we all were except that we were his grandkids. But there were four grandkids with their husbands and nine great-grandkids running around, so I didn't think that was really surprising. He couldn't keep our names straight when I was five, so that didn't seem like a big leap. In fact, at the time, it was kinda sweet. He kept pointing out a little person and asking the nearest grown-up, "now who is that cutie? What's her name? Who does she belong too?" over and over again. And then he would sigh and smile and say, "I can't keep you all straight, but I know you're all mine." Aunt Jan said tonight that if they do come tomorrow it will only be for an hour or two, and they need to be back to her house before the evening (she lives about 2.5 hrs away) because he gets totally confused at night. She said not to be surprised if he doesn't even know we are "his" anymore. I feel like I'm slowly losing my grandpa. I already lost one to Alzheimer's. My other grandpa lives in a silent, blank world in a nursing home. He is completely gone now. I feel so sad that I'm losing my other grandpa this way too. Sometimes I think it would be easier if they would just die, with all their faculties intact, with clear eyes and strong souls instead of slowly fading into invisiblility. I miss my grandpa and he's not even gone yet. I miss his "hohoho" laugh and his exclamations of "goody-goody gumdrops!" I even miss his dark temper. He is like a kid again, afraid to let my grandma out of his sight. I want to see them tomorrow so badly and yet I'm afraid too. Will there be any of grandpa left?