(no subject)

So, I've been trying to plow through this article (http://www.stnectariospress.com/parish/river_of_fire.htm) for the last several days. I've stayed away from "the deep stuff" for some time now, but this acticle was posted on a message board I frequent and it is kind of incredible and timely and deals with a lot of issues the person mentioned in my last post is asking about. I sent it to the person and we had several wonderful long talks about it. I know most of this is not new to the other Orthodox Christians on my list, but there are so many paradigm shifts and incredible discoveries to be made in Orthodoxy that I'm constantly being amazed. I have to be so careful with it though, reading and talking about subjects so weighty and important, because I tend to get bogged down in the ideas and forget the practicalities. I get so into reading that I forget to pray. I get so busy talking, I forget to listen. I also tend to become self-concious and either begin to fall into a pride of knowledge or am too aware of my own ingnorance and lack of intellect. I have the book Being as Communion by John Zizioulas and everytime I try to read it I just get so completely lost. My BIL, Father Mark, has tried to get me to read it a number of times, but I getted so...well, the only word for it is lost. Not only are the ideas expressed so beyond my comprehension that I begin to realize I don't understand a word I'm reading, but I the other problems happen too, the pride that manifests itself in snobbery or shame depending on the situation. I need to practice a more disciplined prayer life, a more disciplined life in the Church before I let myself get back into this theological wirlwind.

I don't even know where to start in writing about what moves me most profoudly in the article, so I don't think I will. I will just ponder it. Keep it in my heart where it can move and grow. It all gets so warped and twisted when I try to express it. There just aren't words. I love words and always have, but I'm learning their limits more everyday.

(no subject)

Yeah. Well.
At our house, by 5pm, one of two things has happened. Either Brad is home or he has called to tell me he won't be home and give me some general idea of when he might be home or tell me that he doesn't know when he'll be home.

It is now almost 7pm. I haven't gotten a phonecall. I called his office about 5:20 and left a message for him with whoever answered. I just now called his cell phone (no answer) and his office again (no answer) and left messages.

I'm trying very hard not to panic. Similar events have happened before, like when he went on a three hour trip to the grocery store (a trip that should have taken less than an hour) and his cell phone battery was dead. But he is extremely conciencious about things like that and he ALWAYS calls me. Even if he is in the middle of meeting he will usually take a moment to call me and let me know he won't be home. He knows I worry. I never used to, but ever since Iraq...well, I'm just different now.

Two hours late. He did work until 8pm last night, but he kept me totally updated. He called twice to let me know what was going on. I didn't worry. He said nothing to me about tonight being similar.

My heart is starting to pound and I have a giant lump in my throat. I don't know what to do.

(no subject)

Brad just called. He's fine. He'll be home soon. I'll try not to be too hard on him, since it wasn't technically his fault. Technically.