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Jan. 11th, 2006 09:04 amThis has been a weird week. Lots of highs and lows, excitement and stress.
To give a little background, last week Brad got a call from one of the recruiting company that has been pursuing him for several years now. They basically fill positions for the corporate world with junior officers (Brad is about to be a major and no longer a junior officer, but he still qualifies apparently). He set up an appointment to meet with the guy last night. I was surprised when he told me that last week, as I thought he had "made the decision" to stay in the Army, but I did not say anything. On Monday, Brad comes home with the news he has been told he is "next" on the list to be pulled for a slot in Iraq. He freaks. Like way worse than I did, you guys. It was very strange. He came home Monday night saying, "Maybe I don't want to do this. Maybe I want out. I could go into my counseling session (these are regular things all the officers do with their commanders)with my commander on Wednesday with the paperwork to get out. What do you think?" I'm totally thrown. I don't know what to say to him anymore! I spent a lot of time saying things like "Do what you think is right." and "I'm here whatever you decide." I did not say what I wanted to say "I WANT OUT! WHY DO YOU KEEP DANGLING THIS IN FRONT OF ME AND THEN SNATCHING IT AWAY!! YOU ARE DRIVING ME MAD!"
Anyway, the commander had his own reasons for not wanting Brad to go, he is short on officers as it is and when they take these guys he doesn't get back fill because they are still technically assigned to his unit. Very frustrating for him as this unit's mission is pretty high level and critical (the things I have learned about our stupid, bumbling government in the last year would curl your hair people! And I'm not talking things I shouldn't know. Brad is very careful about that.) So the commander freaked too and by yesterday afternoon, the powers that be had moved Brad to the bottom of the list. Brad calls me and I try not to overreact. I'm ecstatic that he is not going, but if I betray my true level of relief and burst into tears or something (I wanted to, believe me) he will realize just how hard this is for me and then he will think I "can't handle" it. All I said is "well, that is good to know." He says "Yeah, I'm really relieved. Really, really relieved." And his tone of voice was...well, he was emotional. Then he says "I still have a tough decision to make."
So, he comes home a little early from work again, says he has two hours until his appointment and hence two hours to "make a decision." I'm still in a state of shock and not really sure what to say. He played with the girls, then changed his clothes and left. When he came home, he paused in the doorway and then grinned and said "Well, I'm turning in the paperwork tomorrow." I'm not sure what he expected from me, but not what he got. I started laughing. Now, I didn't mean to sound mocking, it was just a gut reaction, a nervous reaction. "What? You don't believe me?" he asked. "Not really." I said, "Well, it is not that I don't believe that you mean it, you've just changed your mind so many times I don't know what to expect." He chuckled too. And then he sat down at the computer and did the paperwork.
He took it with him this morning.
I still don't know what to think. I do not want to dare to hope. I do not want to expect anything. But my heart will swell with excitement and it is getting hard to squash it. I went out shopping for a about an hour and a half last night because I needed a break, and on the way home I started crying. All of this was just too much to contain anymore. I cried for the fear I'd felt on Monday and yesterday, that I wouldn't let myself give in to, I cried for Brad's confusion, I cried for my own longings and dreams, and I cried for joy at the hope that he might actually get out. And then I squashed it again. I'm not feeling much today.
There seems to be this little ball in my throat waiting to burst open again. I don't know how to get rid of it. And I can't even blame this on hormones anymore! How annoying.
To give a little background, last week Brad got a call from one of the recruiting company that has been pursuing him for several years now. They basically fill positions for the corporate world with junior officers (Brad is about to be a major and no longer a junior officer, but he still qualifies apparently). He set up an appointment to meet with the guy last night. I was surprised when he told me that last week, as I thought he had "made the decision" to stay in the Army, but I did not say anything. On Monday, Brad comes home with the news he has been told he is "next" on the list to be pulled for a slot in Iraq. He freaks. Like way worse than I did, you guys. It was very strange. He came home Monday night saying, "Maybe I don't want to do this. Maybe I want out. I could go into my counseling session (these are regular things all the officers do with their commanders)with my commander on Wednesday with the paperwork to get out. What do you think?" I'm totally thrown. I don't know what to say to him anymore! I spent a lot of time saying things like "Do what you think is right." and "I'm here whatever you decide." I did not say what I wanted to say "I WANT OUT! WHY DO YOU KEEP DANGLING THIS IN FRONT OF ME AND THEN SNATCHING IT AWAY!! YOU ARE DRIVING ME MAD!"
Anyway, the commander had his own reasons for not wanting Brad to go, he is short on officers as it is and when they take these guys he doesn't get back fill because they are still technically assigned to his unit. Very frustrating for him as this unit's mission is pretty high level and critical (the things I have learned about our stupid, bumbling government in the last year would curl your hair people! And I'm not talking things I shouldn't know. Brad is very careful about that.) So the commander freaked too and by yesterday afternoon, the powers that be had moved Brad to the bottom of the list. Brad calls me and I try not to overreact. I'm ecstatic that he is not going, but if I betray my true level of relief and burst into tears or something (I wanted to, believe me) he will realize just how hard this is for me and then he will think I "can't handle" it. All I said is "well, that is good to know." He says "Yeah, I'm really relieved. Really, really relieved." And his tone of voice was...well, he was emotional. Then he says "I still have a tough decision to make."
So, he comes home a little early from work again, says he has two hours until his appointment and hence two hours to "make a decision." I'm still in a state of shock and not really sure what to say. He played with the girls, then changed his clothes and left. When he came home, he paused in the doorway and then grinned and said "Well, I'm turning in the paperwork tomorrow." I'm not sure what he expected from me, but not what he got. I started laughing. Now, I didn't mean to sound mocking, it was just a gut reaction, a nervous reaction. "What? You don't believe me?" he asked. "Not really." I said, "Well, it is not that I don't believe that you mean it, you've just changed your mind so many times I don't know what to expect." He chuckled too. And then he sat down at the computer and did the paperwork.
He took it with him this morning.
I still don't know what to think. I do not want to dare to hope. I do not want to expect anything. But my heart will swell with excitement and it is getting hard to squash it. I went out shopping for a about an hour and a half last night because I needed a break, and on the way home I started crying. All of this was just too much to contain anymore. I cried for the fear I'd felt on Monday and yesterday, that I wouldn't let myself give in to, I cried for Brad's confusion, I cried for my own longings and dreams, and I cried for joy at the hope that he might actually get out. And then I squashed it again. I'm not feeling much today.
There seems to be this little ball in my throat waiting to burst open again. I don't know how to get rid of it. And I can't even blame this on hormones anymore! How annoying.
