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Sep. 13th, 2005 09:47 amWell, last night before bed when I mentioned that we needed to get a good nights sleep because Mari has preschool tomorrow, Mari responded with, "Oh, I'm done with preschool. I'm not going anymore."
I was too surprised to answer for a second. I thought she *liked* it! I mentioned that to her and she said, "No, I'm ready to stay with you now." Not sure how to interpret that one. But on the way to school this morning I talked a lot about how her cousin Bennett goes to preschool and named several other children she knows and how all children have to go to school, some go somewhere and some stay home (I don't want her to think school is always somewhere you go outside our home, since homeschooling is still my ideal) and she interupts with "Well, why can't I go to school at home?" I felt like I was getting myself trapped so I just told her daddy and I decided it would be really good for her to make some new friends. She didn't comment on that.
We arrived at school and she started saying "Don't leave me!" before we even got in the door. As I signed her in she is pulling on my shirt and saying "Don't leave me!", when I pointed her in the direction of the sinks to wash her hands before getting started she looked over her shoulder the whole time saying "Don't leave me!", when I sent her to her cubby to put her bag away she almost ran into a wall because she was looking at me and saying "Don't leave me!" And when she came back from her cubby she was crying already. I kissed and hugged and told her I would be back a gazillion times, but finally one of the teachers had to come take her from me. I had to uncurl her fists from my shirt though she wasn't fighting at all, and leave. I heard her wailing, truly wailing as I walked down the hall. Why is this so hard for me? And for her? Do other parents suffer like this? Is this normal? Do other children react like this? She did so well last week, I thought she was going to be fine, but this is exactly what she did at the MDO I tried. She got worse and worse until by the sixth or seventh time she was there she was screaming for an hour after I left so they had to call me to come get her. I really hoped this would be different. I hoped we had worked up to it, having babysitters a little more often, going to other people's houses more often, just being more social in general. I feel like this is my fault, but when I think about it logically, I know it is not really. Some of this is just part and parcel of the damage done by having her first attachments broken so definately. Having people she loved and trusted completely disappear from her life. It makes sense.
I just don't know how to help her over it. There were other children upset. I know she is not the only one. I know what she is doing is not even in the realm of abnormal. But it still hurts me to see a normally very social, very gregarious child, reduced to wails of anguish from a fear she doesn't really understand and she can't be talked through because it is based on reality. Real things that happened. Real tragedy.
I was too surprised to answer for a second. I thought she *liked* it! I mentioned that to her and she said, "No, I'm ready to stay with you now." Not sure how to interpret that one. But on the way to school this morning I talked a lot about how her cousin Bennett goes to preschool and named several other children she knows and how all children have to go to school, some go somewhere and some stay home (I don't want her to think school is always somewhere you go outside our home, since homeschooling is still my ideal) and she interupts with "Well, why can't I go to school at home?" I felt like I was getting myself trapped so I just told her daddy and I decided it would be really good for her to make some new friends. She didn't comment on that.
We arrived at school and she started saying "Don't leave me!" before we even got in the door. As I signed her in she is pulling on my shirt and saying "Don't leave me!", when I pointed her in the direction of the sinks to wash her hands before getting started she looked over her shoulder the whole time saying "Don't leave me!", when I sent her to her cubby to put her bag away she almost ran into a wall because she was looking at me and saying "Don't leave me!" And when she came back from her cubby she was crying already. I kissed and hugged and told her I would be back a gazillion times, but finally one of the teachers had to come take her from me. I had to uncurl her fists from my shirt though she wasn't fighting at all, and leave. I heard her wailing, truly wailing as I walked down the hall. Why is this so hard for me? And for her? Do other parents suffer like this? Is this normal? Do other children react like this? She did so well last week, I thought she was going to be fine, but this is exactly what she did at the MDO I tried. She got worse and worse until by the sixth or seventh time she was there she was screaming for an hour after I left so they had to call me to come get her. I really hoped this would be different. I hoped we had worked up to it, having babysitters a little more often, going to other people's houses more often, just being more social in general. I feel like this is my fault, but when I think about it logically, I know it is not really. Some of this is just part and parcel of the damage done by having her first attachments broken so definately. Having people she loved and trusted completely disappear from her life. It makes sense.
I just don't know how to help her over it. There were other children upset. I know she is not the only one. I know what she is doing is not even in the realm of abnormal. But it still hurts me to see a normally very social, very gregarious child, reduced to wails of anguish from a fear she doesn't really understand and she can't be talked through because it is based on reality. Real things that happened. Real tragedy.
