mommydama | (no subject)

I seem to have a really hard time finding the balance between God's mercy and His demands of righteousness. This part has never made any sense to me. When I was a Baptist child and adolescent, I knew my sins were forgiven, past, present, and future, and I didn't worry too much about all the admonitions to "be perfect", to "go and sin no more". I figured that was just something to strive for, God knew we couldn't REALLY do that, so I just sort of...ignored those instructions. Not that I wasn't trying to be "good", but I just didn't worry too much if I screwed up. God had forgiven me already, right? That is what he did on the cross, right? All my strivings to be good were just acts of thankfulness for that forgiveness.

Well, I could try all I wanted to ignore those admonitions, they wouldn't really go away. I spent a lot of my late teens and twenties just ignoring God in general, because He didn't make any sense to me, and there didn't seem to be anyone who knew anymore than I did. Then I discovered Orthodoxy...and authority and tradition and Truth. I suppose it is always true the pendulum must swing all the way in the other direction before it can land in the middle. And it has to keep swinging until it winds down and stops...in the middle. I just keep on a-swinging. For the past several years I have gone way too far to the other side in my thinking....the demands to be perfect and stop sinning weighing on me like anchors, dragging me down until I'm just stuck in the muck on the bottom. I can't do it. I can't be perfect. I'm totally incapable. Well, that must mean I'm not really a Christian, I'm a lost soul, I'm damned and there is nothing really I can do about it.

And then....thank God...the pendulum begins to swing again and before I go too far back the other way...I see the middle ground. I get to see it, for just a moment as I swing by. Yesterday, I saw if for that brief moment in Confession as the priest talked to me, counseled me, took me out of the muck and lifted me up. For just a moment. I'm holding onto the moment for all I'm worth today as I contemplate the Cross and what it means. I don't really know. I couldn't put it into words if someone had a gun to my head. But for a tiny second, I did know. I understood the balance between the demands for righteousness and the outpouring of mercy. I saw Love. I saw it for just a second.

Oh if I could only stay there.

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APOSTLES, Dama, the apostles!

Out of all of humanity, there's been one person - a temple-raised woman who actually raised Jesus and lived with him, one in all of our time, who managed to make it through her life without sinning. And we know Jesus got angry and sad and so Mary must've too - I mean, she was human and theotokas. (ack spelling!)

But the Apostles. He chose them, lived with them, taught them, they saw the miracles, they witness the resurrection. They were loved in person by him.

And they screwed up. They doubted, they betrayed, they lied, they fought, they were jealous and petty and daft.

But they believed and loved, and because of that, they repented and tried again. I mean, it's pretty certain we're all gonna screw up again and again and again. It's incredibly pride to imagine that we can somehow through sheer force of will alone manage to be better than Mary, or even the Apostles and Saints. And their stories are so often about discipline and error and repentence.

But there's a sort of - you know how when you screw up with someone who you know will scream at you and yell, and then there's someone you know who will forgive you? And the fear is totally different. With the forgiving one, it's shame of disappointing them, but no hesitation in asking for forgiveness. With the other, it's all overshadowed by fear. There's nothing to be afraid of. You'll be forgiven as soon as you ask, so figure out why you don't (pride, fear, shame, guilt - oh the variety pack of human feelings) and work on that in prayer and stuff.

I asked my priest once if there was anything he couldn't forgive, as a priest, and he said yes - if someone did not repent. They admitted to what they were doing and said they were going to continue doing it. It didn't matter if you came every week for years, admitting the same fault and promising to try again, then failing and coming back. Far better than to never even try. Or to turn around and say it's not a sin, it's a personal choice.

(Note: not talking about gay rights here, from the phrasing. I have a whole bunch of complicated and mostly loving acceptance of healthy gay/straight etc relationships - note healthy sorry sidetracked!)

Dude, the apostles screwed up. So will we. The mercy that we get is - I mean, it's not just being forgiven as some sort of wipe slate clean, cross off your to-do list. It's turning to God and saying yup, I need you and letting the Holy Spirit in with mercy. Without that mercy, it's sort of a legalistic punishment/contrition thing. Mercy makes it - the way you can have a house with adults and children, but it's not a family without love. Mercy transforms the relationship.

Okay, I am blathering. You are so tough on yourself for not being eprfect and I completely get that. Just remember Jesus loved Mary and Martha.

Dale, you are all kinds of awesome. Have I ever told you that? Someday, I'm coming to Singapore just to sit at your table and watch you listen to you.

watch you AND listen to you. Ack.

I love this self reflection. Know that while my pendulum might swing in different directions, I get this. And I love you. A whole lot. And I can't wait to see you this weekend.

Wow, Dama. This is incredible. And, I can totally understand it as I fly around on the pendulum myself.

Oh, I totally understand...
I think...I need to be better...for God...but then I think...who am I that could do anything good enough to please Him???

what exactly do you mean by demands of righteousness? as far as I can tell our only righteousness comes through Jesus alone.

I mean yes we are to try to obey, but we cannot earn or pay for salvation through works. But none of have or will keep the law (and I'm not sure what the Catholic church believes about Mary, but she sinned too as far as the Bible is concerned (Romans 3:23 says all have sinned), Jesus is the only one who was sinless)

I bolded a couple verses her about the law.

Galatians 5

22But the scripture hath concluded all under sin, that the promise by faith of Jesus Christ might be given to them that believe.

23But before faith came, we were kept under the law, shut up unto the faith which should afterwards be revealed.

24Wherefore the law was our schoolmaster to bring us unto Christ, that we might be justified by faith.

25But after that faith is come, we are no longer under a schoolmaster.

26For ye are all the children of God by faith in Christ Jesus.

27For as many of you as have been baptized into Christ have put on Christ.

28There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.

29And if ye be Christ's, then are ye Abraham's seed, and heirs according to the promise.

Romans 3

19Now we know that whatever the law says, it says to those who are under the law, so that every mouth may be silenced and the whole world held accountable to God.

20Therefore no one will be declared righteous in his sight by observing the law; rather, through the law we become conscious of sin.

21But now a righteousness from God, apart from law, has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify.

22This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference,

23for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,

24and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.

25God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood. He did this to demonstrate his justice, because in his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished—

26he did it to demonstrate his justice at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus.

So I guess my interpretation of this (and I am human and can most certianly be wrong) is that the law is there to show us we have all fallen short so we can fall on our knees and repent and know we need Jesus, though Him alone is there salvation.

By faith, not works, we are saved through grace.

Yes, I agree.

But what then? We fall on our knees, repent, know we need Jesus...and? Go back to doing the exact same things? That is not what Jesus said. It doesn't end with a salvation prayer to me. He said to the adulterous woman "Go and sin no more." In Matthew He tells us to "be perfect, as your Heavenly Father is perfect." In James it says the "faith without works is dead." I agree totally that we can't do it without Him, we must have Him in us and with us to make us perfect, but I think it is very clear that we have to cooperate with this grace and that we must continue to grow closer to Him or something is seriously wrong. This is where the pendulum swings for me. On one hand I see the need for the Holy Spirit within me to work and perfect me, but I also see where we have to let that work be done and not get in the way with our will and our passions. We have to strive for the perfection. There are things we must do.

Anyway, that is what I believe.

Dama, we are so similar in so many ways. This happens to be one of many. Thanks for sharing this - I don't feel as alone.

Beautifully stated, dear. That captures the reality of faith. It is a twisted, gnarled path. Sometimes you round the corner and see the mountain top, then it slips behind the trees again. I love how you can put feelings into words. I'm so bad at that. I'll get practicing, though, now that my connection is back up. BTW - I like reading your journal because then I know what's going on at home. You talk about very different things over the phone.