Bonding

[mommydama]

I think this journal thing may be very good for me. I have seriously needed an outlet for all the crap in my head for a long time. So I'm going to use it. I went to the Mary Kay party. I always feel 13 at those things. Do you, my bosom friends, remember when I had one for my 13th birthday? Well, they have not changed a bit. Though I didn't spend much time at the table putting on makeup. I was chasing Luci out of the pantry and trying to convince Mari that I, Dama, am her mommy, not every woman in the room. We walked in the door and she immediately lifted her arms to this woman I have never seen before and said"hold you" (English pronouns are lost on her) That kid has lived with us for six months now and I still don't think I mean any more to her than any other woman in the world. Daddy is special...he is a man...she didn't know any men before. But she knew a lot of woman. Some stayed. Some didn't. So they mean very little to her other than someone to feed, clothe and hold her. I feel such a surge of anger at her when she does that...goes to perfect strangers and asks to be held. I want her to love me, cling to me, think I am irreplacable. How awful I am to think this way!! She is just a baby who doesn't understand this confusing world she has been thrust into. In the six months she has lived with us we have moved twice, lived in a hotel room for two weeks, daddy disappeared for over half of that time. No wonder she is so confused. I'm confused too! I don't know where home is...or if the one I love is going to stick around... and I am an adult with a healthy family background. Why can't I be patient with this?

Comments

[librissimma.livejournal.com]

Change is always challenging for everyone. It sounds like you can be patient to the extent you can verbally claim the difficulties, the realities and your dream. You have had an idea and an understanding of Mari for much longer than she has had an idea of you.
In your desire to be patient with Mari, don't steal your opportunity to grieve for the way you wished it to be. It's easy for me, the outsider, to give you advice, better for me to pray for you and with you.